My mind has been at war with itself the past few days. Well, not really war... but I've been reflecting quite a bit... trying to see things - my life - from a different perspective... under a different light.
I used to be a creative being. I wrote music, poetry, drew, painted, sculpted - I was an artist. In my heyday I played 8 different instruments proficiently. One year I decided I was a film producer. I filmed about a dozen shorts and wrote four feature length screen plays. This was the same year I started blogging. Not just silly memes and feel-good themes, but hard-core every-day blood and sweat blogging. Real stuff.
Then one day it stopped.
I want it back.
I was listening to some hip-hop on the way to work this morning and a lyric really stuck with me. "Make the money, don't let the money make you". I'm not impressed with who I've become in my career. I look in the mirror and the real me is so, so distant behind my eyes. I can barely recognize myself - I certainly don't like who it is I see on the surface.
The good news is, I'm realizing this now... before I get any more gnarled and twisted and corrupted by the system I'm not only participating in, but perpetuating. This job started as a way to pay the bills. I'm seeing now that the costs of this job will always be greater than it's potential to reciprocate.
I need to start living differently.
I need to start living, full stop.